This has been a very rough year. I kind of feel like I've gone over the edge at this point, like I just don't really care anymore. But I do...but I don't. Which is a horrible thing to say. But I just can't care anymore. There's too much to care about, and I am so tired of caring about whether or not my kids succeed more than they or their parents care, and I'm so tired of pouring everything I have into everything and just not getting much out.
Sorry I've been negative. On the up side, one positive thing this year has taught me is just how great my co-workers are. They really are an extremely supportive group. I'm not the only one who's been struggling this year...in fact, I don't know anyone in our department who HASN'T been struggling this year...and every time someone is feeling overwhelmed or having a breakdown (and there have been a lot this semester), there are always people around to listen and offer support and offer love and encouragement, or at the very least camaraderie.
This is good, because I'm feeling so distant from a lot of my friends and family lately... I feel like everyone around me is equally busy and no one has time for anyone else.And that's nobody's fault; it's just sad...
As you can tell, I am ready for break. And break is coming soon, so I'm hoping that two weeks without grading or grad school work to do will refresh me and kind of give me a "reset" button. I just feel like I've been wound up so tight for the last five months, like I haven't truly been able to relax, and I am ready to relax. I am planning to take the first week of winter break to just relax and not do any work. I'm just tired of feeling negative all the time; I feel like I am not me this year and I don't like it.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Monday, October 1, 2012
Profession?
I am seriously considering either a job location change or an entire profession change. I am tense and stressed ALL the time this year. I spent my entire weekend grading (and almost all of last weekend grading), and several hours after school every other day in the last couple of weeks, and I'm still not caught up. Every week we have a meeting where they throw NEW things at us that we have to do, without fully explaining how we're supposed to do them. The administration has made several schedule changes within the last month about THIS school year. I have several students who are failing because they absolutely refuse to do any work, and yet somehow this will be considered MY fault. I can't figure out if my frustration is about the profession in general or simply my current district... I am leaning toward district, since while people in other districts seem frustrated, they don't seem to have the same level of frustration that people in my district currently do. Regardless of what happens, something's got to give. I have no desire to spend the rest of my life in this constant state of tension. I would like to at least enjoy a weekend every once in awhile without worrying about the vast amount of catching up I'll have to do if I take some time off.
Friday, September 21, 2012
Frustration
I can not describe how frustrated I have been feeling with the teaching profession this year. I feel myself shutting down these last couple of weeks. I no longer feel any desire to look at the news or go on facebook, for fear of seeing somebody else who has no idea how the field of education works say something stupid about education.
In addition to the frustration with society, I am feeling frustrated with school. We've added about six new (HUGE) initiatives and changes this year, and it seems like the administration just expects us to automatically be able to make these changes with no extra support, time... I've been working 14+ hours daily, plus several hours on the weekends, and still not catching up with everything I'm supposed to do. Grad class certainly isn't helping, of course, but I think I would be overwhelmed this year even without it.
I am seriously starting to wonder if I might want to change professions at some point in time. This thought terrifies me, because I never really wanted to do anything besides teaching. Despite this, I feel how constantly tense and stressed out I am during the school year, how I can never truly relax because there is always more work I need to be doing, and I wonder if it's worth it. Maybe it would be nice to have a job where all the work I'm doing is actually considered work. (Since the 8 hours a day I am teaching does not give me nearly enough time to do all the grading, planning, interventions, phone calls, etc. that I am supposed to do, but somehow, according to society, that's the only time I'm actually working). I am quite sure that there are jobs out there where I would be paid more than I am currently making for less stress.
This idea makes me really sad, though. I do truly like teaching. I like connecting with kids. I like explaining something and having the students get it. I like the opportunity to come up with new and creative lesson plans. I like it when students come back and visit me after they're no longer my students because I made an impact on them. I like every day is different, and every lesson is different - even if it's a lesson I've taught before. So yes, I like teaching. I just don't like what it's becoming.
In addition to the frustration with society, I am feeling frustrated with school. We've added about six new (HUGE) initiatives and changes this year, and it seems like the administration just expects us to automatically be able to make these changes with no extra support, time... I've been working 14+ hours daily, plus several hours on the weekends, and still not catching up with everything I'm supposed to do. Grad class certainly isn't helping, of course, but I think I would be overwhelmed this year even without it.
I am seriously starting to wonder if I might want to change professions at some point in time. This thought terrifies me, because I never really wanted to do anything besides teaching. Despite this, I feel how constantly tense and stressed out I am during the school year, how I can never truly relax because there is always more work I need to be doing, and I wonder if it's worth it. Maybe it would be nice to have a job where all the work I'm doing is actually considered work. (Since the 8 hours a day I am teaching does not give me nearly enough time to do all the grading, planning, interventions, phone calls, etc. that I am supposed to do, but somehow, according to society, that's the only time I'm actually working). I am quite sure that there are jobs out there where I would be paid more than I am currently making for less stress.
This idea makes me really sad, though. I do truly like teaching. I like connecting with kids. I like explaining something and having the students get it. I like the opportunity to come up with new and creative lesson plans. I like it when students come back and visit me after they're no longer my students because I made an impact on them. I like every day is different, and every lesson is different - even if it's a lesson I've taught before. So yes, I like teaching. I just don't like what it's becoming.
Monday, August 13, 2012
....
Bleh.
There are only so many new initiatives I can handle in one year. Even if they're all worthwhile initiatives...come on, a little at a time, please!
There are only so many new initiatives I can handle in one year. Even if they're all worthwhile initiatives...come on, a little at a time, please!
Sunday, August 12, 2012
School tomorrow
School starts tomorrow! Well, my first official day of work is tomorrow; the first actual school day with kids is Wednesday. I always feel apprehensive at this time of year. I've been working the last two weeks to get as far ahead in planning and in life as I can to forestall the inevitable moment where I fall hopelessly behind for as long as possible. I know it will happen - it always happens - but I do get a little better at holding it off a little longer each year.
I will miss feeling like a person, though... I like teaching, but I hate how stressed out I feel on a constant basis during the school year. I really hope it fades at least a little at some point.
Well...wish me luck!
I will miss feeling like a person, though... I like teaching, but I hate how stressed out I feel on a constant basis during the school year. I really hope it fades at least a little at some point.
Well...wish me luck!
Friday, August 10, 2012
Misinformation
I have been getting very annoyed with the posts I've been reading on Facebook lately. The closer it gets to the election, the more and more political posts I see. And, honestly, that would be fine, if the posts had any basis in fact or genuine reasons as to why people should vote for one candidate over another. Instead, though, I constantly see outrage - outrage at horrible things that both candidates for the presidency have done or said. The problem with this outrage is, that... the candidates didn't actually say or do these things. Nobody fact checks. I've had quite a few times where someone has posted something that, yes, would be horrible if it were true...but all it took was a quick google search to discover multiple sources that contradict what people have posted. How hard is it to fact check your information? Or do people really, truly not care that they're spreading misinformation, as long as it gets others to take the side of their candidate? I know I have to teach my students what sources are reliable and what sources are not reliable, but I am perturbed that adults do not seem to understand that e-mails, facebook posts, blogs, or political ads are not reliable sources for their information. Even more perturbing are sources that claim to be reliable sources that spread misinformation. I'm not targeting any one side of the political spectrum - both sides are guilty. But how to respond? If I respond to something I know to be false, it seems like I'm taking the other side, and all the sudden I'm attacked as a strong conservative or strong liberal, depending on the candidate that's being wrongfully criticized. Honestly, I'm not sure who I want to vote for at this point in time, but what I DO know is that I want to base my vote in fact, not in manufactured outrage, and it scares me that people in both parties may be voting purely because of the "information" they get through chain e-mails or Facebook posts.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Two days in a row!
All right, so I'm off to a better start than I was the LAST couple of times I said I was going to start writing more. We'll see how that goes.
I met with other teachers who teach one of the same courses as I do today, and we started planning a little more about the school year. I'm really happy that we seemed to be making some progress - the last time that we met, we talked a lot about all these things we wanted to do and change this year, but we didn't really get down to anything specific. This meeting, we actually talked about some specifics and now we have a fairly clear picture of what the semester's going to look like, which is nice.
There's still a lot to go, though... we're going to have to change around a lot, and with everything we're talking about adding, there's a lot of work that still needs to be done. I'm getting a little frustrated this year. I expected my first year of teaching to be hard. I expected the second year of teaching to be easier, but still hard. They both were. However, I also always thought that, once 'd been teaching for a few years, I would start to feel like I knew what I was doing. That has yet to happen, and with how much changes every year, I'm not sure if that's every going to happen. Granted, I feel a lot more confident and a lot more organized than I was when I first started teaching. However, I still feel like I'm starting over every year. This year especially...we're starting professional learning committees, we're switching the curriculum over to common core, and we're changing our evaluation system...I just feel like every time I even remotely start to know what I'm doing, something else new is thrown in. Between all that new stuff and grad school, I'm a little concerned about my ability to keep up this year. Hopefully it will work out, though.
I'm a little on information overload at the moment. Throughout the course of this summer, I spent about four weeks either at grad school or conferences. So I have so much new information and so many new ideas, but they amount to SO much that I'm having trouble organizing them and figuring out where to start.
Wish me luck!
I met with other teachers who teach one of the same courses as I do today, and we started planning a little more about the school year. I'm really happy that we seemed to be making some progress - the last time that we met, we talked a lot about all these things we wanted to do and change this year, but we didn't really get down to anything specific. This meeting, we actually talked about some specifics and now we have a fairly clear picture of what the semester's going to look like, which is nice.
There's still a lot to go, though... we're going to have to change around a lot, and with everything we're talking about adding, there's a lot of work that still needs to be done. I'm getting a little frustrated this year. I expected my first year of teaching to be hard. I expected the second year of teaching to be easier, but still hard. They both were. However, I also always thought that, once 'd been teaching for a few years, I would start to feel like I knew what I was doing. That has yet to happen, and with how much changes every year, I'm not sure if that's every going to happen. Granted, I feel a lot more confident and a lot more organized than I was when I first started teaching. However, I still feel like I'm starting over every year. This year especially...we're starting professional learning committees, we're switching the curriculum over to common core, and we're changing our evaluation system...I just feel like every time I even remotely start to know what I'm doing, something else new is thrown in. Between all that new stuff and grad school, I'm a little concerned about my ability to keep up this year. Hopefully it will work out, though.
I'm a little on information overload at the moment. Throughout the course of this summer, I spent about four weeks either at grad school or conferences. So I have so much new information and so many new ideas, but they amount to SO much that I'm having trouble organizing them and figuring out where to start.
Wish me luck!
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Need to write again
So, Facebook is finally forcing me to get timeline. While that's a little annoying, it did prompt me to scroll through my Facebook wall, all the way until 2004 when I originally got Facebook. This started sparking memories, so I started looking at my old blogs and xanga entries and feeling a lot of nostalgia.
I came to a few conclusions by looking through my old blog entries (not from this blog; I realize I haven't posted much on this one).
1. I really had a great time in college, and I have some truly amazing friends. I knew this already, but it's nice to remind myself every once in awhile.
2. I used to write a lot, and this writing helped me work through things. I also could be genuinely funny at times in my writing.
3. I changed and did a LOT my freshman year of college.
I'm trying to figure out why I don't write so much anymore. Part of it is a time issue, of course; it's hard to fit everything in. Part of it is that I don't feel inspired to write, but I wonder a little if this is because I am a little out of practice. I think another part of it is that I don't have quite so much running through my mind anymore, though. Skimming through my old entries, I find a lot of entries that have me complaining of too much whirling around in my head. I still have lots of things whirling through my head on a pretty constant basis, but I am no longer trying to figure myself out; I'm no longer worried about Wes going away; I'm no longer defining myself in such narrow terms that any deviation from my personal definition freaks me out. So maybe I just don't need to write as much anymore.
On the other hand, I remember coming up with things when writing that I would have never come up with if I had just been sitting and thinking. I'm trying to determine if my lack of recent writing comes from my lack of inspiration, or if my lack of inspiration comes from the fact that I just haven't been writing and I'm out of practice. Don't get me wrong, I have written things, but they've been things like essays for class, not things that come out of my own head.
Based on this idea, I'm going to try to promise myself that I will write at least once a week this year. This will probably not happen - I regularly do things like this - but I will try. Maybe as I start to practice writing a little more, I'll re-inspire myself and continue discovering new things in my head.
I came to a few conclusions by looking through my old blog entries (not from this blog; I realize I haven't posted much on this one).
1. I really had a great time in college, and I have some truly amazing friends. I knew this already, but it's nice to remind myself every once in awhile.
2. I used to write a lot, and this writing helped me work through things. I also could be genuinely funny at times in my writing.
3. I changed and did a LOT my freshman year of college.
I'm trying to figure out why I don't write so much anymore. Part of it is a time issue, of course; it's hard to fit everything in. Part of it is that I don't feel inspired to write, but I wonder a little if this is because I am a little out of practice. I think another part of it is that I don't have quite so much running through my mind anymore, though. Skimming through my old entries, I find a lot of entries that have me complaining of too much whirling around in my head. I still have lots of things whirling through my head on a pretty constant basis, but I am no longer trying to figure myself out; I'm no longer worried about Wes going away; I'm no longer defining myself in such narrow terms that any deviation from my personal definition freaks me out. So maybe I just don't need to write as much anymore.
On the other hand, I remember coming up with things when writing that I would have never come up with if I had just been sitting and thinking. I'm trying to determine if my lack of recent writing comes from my lack of inspiration, or if my lack of inspiration comes from the fact that I just haven't been writing and I'm out of practice. Don't get me wrong, I have written things, but they've been things like essays for class, not things that come out of my own head.
Based on this idea, I'm going to try to promise myself that I will write at least once a week this year. This will probably not happen - I regularly do things like this - but I will try. Maybe as I start to practice writing a little more, I'll re-inspire myself and continue discovering new things in my head.
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